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The little ole lady from Pasadena again! 11/6/2007
The little ole lady from Pasadena was driving down the
freeway and her car phone rang. Answering, she heard her
husband's voice urgently warning her, "Old
woman, I just heard on the news that there's a car similar to yours
going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Be careful!"
She says, "Why hell fire you old fucking bastard!
It's not just one god damn car! There are hundreds of
them ...
8 Comments, 130 Views,
23 Votes
,6.75 Score
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It's the little ole lady from Pasadena & supersex ! 11/6/2007
The little old lady from Pasadena was running up and
down the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip
up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair and stopped. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a
moment or two and finally answered her saying, "I'm
kinda hungry. I'll take the soup right now."...
7 Comments, 124 Views,
25 Votes
,4.35 Score
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Tuesday Funny 11/6/2007
A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father,
I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they
ever say is, `Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest.
"But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will
put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the
Bible. ...
1 Comments, 97 Views,
7 Votes
,5.59 Score
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the pension (part 2) 11/6/2007
An old man has to pass a medical examination to qualify for
the pensioners benefit. He returns to his wife and informs her that he had to show
the nurse his gery hair and wrinkles in order to qualify.
She shakes her head and says "you should have shown
her your cock... you would have the disability benefit
as well!!!"
1 Comments, 72 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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qualify for pension (part 1) 11/6/2007
An old man discovers that in order to recieve the pensioners
benefit, he has to pass a medical first. Being hard of hearing,
he decides to take is wife with him. The nusre says "I'm gonna need a sperm and stool
sample from you sir" He repiles "What?" She repeats "I'm gonna need a sperm and stool
sample from you sir" Again he repiles "what?" He turns to his wife and asks "What did she say?"
The ...
1 Comments, 64 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Politicians you know 11/5/2007
A bus carrying a load of politicians was driving down
a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and
crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate.
Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days
later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and
asked the old farmer, " Where all the politicians
that were on the ...
7 Comments, 141 Views,
23 Votes
,7.10 Score
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Sunday Morning Humor 11/4/2007
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began ...
1 Comments, 110 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Senility Prayer 11/3/2007
Dear Lord,
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway, and the good fortune to run into the ones that I do
and the eyesight to tell the difference and if someone runs
into my ex-wife please let them be doing 90. ...
10 Comments, 144 Views,
45 Votes
,3.74 Score
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A man goes to hell... 11/2/2007
One version of hell.....
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing
in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.
Satan: 'Why so glum?' Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell is not so bad. We actually have a lot of
fun down here. You a drinking man?' Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays ...
1 Comments, 81 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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bopeep,professer & girls 11/2/2007
Professer asked "Do u know what your asshole is doing
while ur havin an orgasam? Young women replied "Probably
deerhuntin with his buddies.
3 things in life a girl needs: Love 2make her weak, Alcohol
to make her strong & Best Friends when both make her
hit the floor.
Some girls beg, some girls borrow. Some bring joy and some
bring sorrow..but unlike those, I'm one of the ...
1 Comments, 92 Views,
9 Votes
,3.00 Score
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depends on the dog... 11/2/2007
What's the difference between a poodle humping your
leg, and a pitbull humping your leg?
You let the pitbull finish!
0 Comments, 166 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Charmin with lotion ! 11/1/2007
Bubba and Earl, two rednecks from Alabama, were in a
local Wal-Mart, and they decided to get in on the weekly
charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar
a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had
won a prize. Earl won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet
extra-long spaghetti and sauce. Bubba won 6th prize, a
toilet brush.
About a week or ...
7 Comments, 147 Views,
39 Votes
,2.83 Score
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Wife wanted ! 11/1/2007
A man took out a classified ad saying "Wife wanted".
The next day he received a thousand responses saying "You
can have mine." ...
9 Comments, 132 Views,
38 Votes
,1.08 Score
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Jail 11/1/2007
Two elderly friends, Jack and Tom, met in the park every
day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss
world problems .
One day Jack didn't show up. Tom didn't think much
about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Jack hadn't shown up for a week or so, Tom got
worried. Unfortunately he didn't know where Jack
lived, so he was unable to find out ...
1 Comments, 69 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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POLITE WAY TO PEE 11/1/2007
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach
good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a
nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go
to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, That would be rude and
impolite.
What about you Peter, ...
1 Comments, 61 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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CALL CENTER CONVERSATION 7 11/1/2007
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest
things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted,
not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline,
which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the
customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk
employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing
the Word Perfect organization for ...
1 Comments, 52 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
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CALL CENTER CONVERSATION 3 11/1/2007
RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover
me when I am travelling in Australia ?" Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you
a clue?"
1 Comments, 34 Views,
4 Votes
,0.92 Score
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Vanilla Pudding 11/1/2007
Excerpted from an article which appeared in the DublinTimes
about a bank robbery on March 2. Once inside the bank shortly
after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security
system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected
to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables,
were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout
the bank.
The robbers cracked the ...
1 Comments, 21 Views,
0 Votes
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Moses 10/29/2007
Recently, while going through an airport during one of
his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long
gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding
a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has
anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man
didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.
The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just ...
1 Comments, 57 Views,
0 Votes
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The difference of reality and probability 10/28/2007
A little boy goes up to his father and asks him what the difference
is between reality and probability. The father thinks about it for a moment and then say to his
... "Go up to your mother and ask her if she would sleep
with Robert Redford for a Million Dollars. Then go up to
your sister and ask her if she would sleep with Brad Pitt
for a Million Dollars. Then go up to your Brother and ask
him ...
1 Comments, 89 Views,
9 Votes
,4.71 Score
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Potato Clock 10/28/2007
A partiularly confused looking man wanders into an upmarket
Jewellery Store and heads to the counter. The clerk tries
to ignore him in the hope he will go away but eventuallly
realises the man isn't going to leave, so the clerk
asks "may I help you sir" The man replies "Yeah, I need a potato clock"
The clerk says "I'm sorry sir, I don't think
I heard you properly. What were you after?" "I said I ...
2 Comments, 93 Views,
9 Votes
,3.00 Score
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Little Johnny Again!!! 10/27/2007
In school one day the teacher decided in science class she
would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of
the class and said, ", if you could have one
raw material in the world what would it be?"
Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want
gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy
a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie ...
2 Comments, 122 Views,
10 Votes
,5.58 Score
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The Taliban and an old salesman 10/26/2007
A fleeing Tali ban, desperate for water, was plodding through
the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the
distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only
to find a little old tie salesman at a small stand selling ties.
The Tali ban asked, "Do you have water?" The
tie salesman replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only ...
0 Comments, 76 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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The Genie 10/25/2007
A recently wed couple are out playing golf one afternoon.
About midway through the round, the wife slices a drive
off the tee, out of bounds, towards some houses lining the
course. The couple hears the sound of shattered glass and
run to investigate. They find a shattered glass door, and inside, a shattered
vase, and a dark skinned man standing in the middle of the
room. Upon entering, the man ...
3 Comments, 322 Views,
14 Votes
,5.86 Score
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Halloween Party 10/25/2007
A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go
to the Halloween party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued
and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was
no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he
took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping
soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it ...
4 Comments, 194 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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VooDoo Penis 10/25/2007
The VOODOO PENIS A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business
trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep
her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation.
The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I
have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks,
except...the Voodoo Penis!" The husband said "The
what"? The man repeated "The Voodoo ...
2 Comments, 79 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
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Involuntary Muscular Contractions 10/25/2007
A professor was giving a lecture on Involuntary Muscular
Contractions to first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject,
the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do
you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having
an orgasm?
She replied, "He's always down at ...
7 Comments, 142 Views,
38 Votes
,1.49 Score
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Barbie doll 10/23/2007
A man walks into a toy store to buy his young daugther a birthday
present. He sees a stand full of barbie dolls in the window.
He asks the assistant how much are the dolls in the window
the shop assistant looks at him and says they are all different
prices. Beach barbie is $19.95, honeymoon barbie is 19.95,
punk barbie is 19.95, rock'n'roll barbie is 19.95,
barbie is 19.95 and divorce barbie ...
3 Comments, 155 Views,
8 Votes
,4.64 Score
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The need for Quality 10/22/2007
MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. in the course, please see ...
1 Comments, 57 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Pennance 10/22/2007
A group of catholic school girls were going on a field trip,
but their bus crashed and they all died. Being good catholic girls (no such thing in real life)
they all go to heaven and line up outside the pearly gates.
Saint Peter opens the gates and starts to call the roll...
"Mary" he calls. "Here" replies
Mary. St Peter asks "have you ever touched a penis?"
"No" answers Mary, ...
2 Comments, 78 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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