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Ramblings of the depraved.....
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Just between you and I
Posted:Sep 26, 2016 5:20 pm
Last Updated:Jul 31, 2020 5:30 pm
1 comment , 29 Pending
Goulash.... It's what's for dinner!
Posted:Aug 13, 2020 4:43 pm
Last Updated:Aug 14, 2020 3:42 am

I was trolling through faceplace while the Spawn and I were at the lake tonight....

When I came across a post that had a picture of goulash with the caption, "You ain't never been poor if you haven't had this for dinner."

And I was like... Oooh! That sounds good! Goulash for dinner!

I guess that makes me poor.....

Cause, I'm making goulash right now and... It's what's for dinner!
Who messed with the TOASTER!
Posted:Aug 12, 2020 3:21 pm
Last Updated:Aug 14, 2020 3:43 am

Because I'm usually doing about five things at one time...

I popped some bread in the toaster and headed out to the balcony to check my flowers.

"Mom, I smell smoke."

"I'm not even cooking anything! We're having tuna fish sandwiches for dinner."

"Oh. I still smell smoke."

Assuming the Spawn was just being difficult, I waited until I heard the toast pop up and headed back in.

"What the hell??"

Plumes of smoke were coming from the charred, black squares that were sticking out of the toaster.

"Who MESSED with the toaster??"

The real question is, why is this even a setting on the toaster? What brain decided scorched and nearly on fire was desirable?

Is this one of those.... It'll put some hair on your chest moments?

The Spawn was laughing as I chucked the charred little husks into the trash and a poof of smoke wafted out at us.

"Wasn't me..."

"Mmmm... Hmmmm.... It's *never* you."

I laughed and put two more pieces of bread into the toaster.

And forgot to change the setting......

Happy Wednesday!
And out of nowhere....
Posted:Aug 11, 2020 5:23 pm
Last Updated:Aug 13, 2020 1:15 am

Bam! Apartment Complex Studmuffin!

Scared the shit out of me....

I was reaching for the exterior door to the apartment building when it flew open before me revealing the Apartment Complex Studmuffin.

"Oh My God!" I stepped back from the door, startled. I was actually running a little late for work and my mind was in a million places at once.

"Oh, sorry... Didn't see you coming." He stood in the doorway, staring at me.

Is there EVER a time when this guy ISN'T in the parking lot??

I waited for him to either step through the door, or step aside to let me pass...

Didn't happen.

So I found myself barging through, getting an up close and personal look at this guy.

He's a lot older than I thought he was.

That explains the 80's gold chain and weird need to be hanging out in the fricking parking lot 24/7. He was an 80's spending his Saturday nights driving the strip and hanging out in a 7-11 parking lot somewhere trying to pick up chicks.

Glory days...
When your phone doesn't recognize you...
Posted:Aug 10, 2020 5:08 pm
Last Updated:Aug 12, 2020 3:34 pm

After about a hundred drops to the cement floor of my office, my phone had finally bid a final farewell last week.

I was in need of a new one.

Considering the fact that I have a phone at the bottom of Ocqueoc Falls, butter fingers in a cement floor office, and have left previous phones in snow banks, wood piles, and other peoples cars.....

Expensive phones are NOT for me.

So it surprised me when my new $99 special came with facial recognition.


The phone was on super-sale and I got it super cheap so I never expected such fanciness out of a simple piece of technology.

Or should I say.... Curse!

I was in my office trying to unlock the stupid thing to see who was texting me when I ended up locking myself OUT of my phone.

Yep, that's right!

The phone did not recognize my masked image and decided I was doing nefarious activity and locked me out.


It can recognize me with and without my glasses... With my hair up or down.... With my eyes shut and sticking out my tongue....

But it doesn't recognize me with a mask.

Note to self: It was embarrassing when customer support recommended I remove my mask before future phone use while they were unlocking my phone. Don't let this happen again!!
Not the sunny beach weekend I had planned....
Posted:Aug 10, 2020 1:56 am
Last Updated:Aug 13, 2020 4:51 am
But, we made the best of it regardless.

After hearing it was going to be a beautiful weekend all week long...

It turned out to be rainy and cold on Saturday. Those weather forecasters couldn't have been more wrong if they'd tried.

Damn them!

The Spawn and I ended up trekking out anyway, hoping for the best. I really do live within driving distance of some of the most beautiful sights, I feel fortunate that even on a not so beautiful day, I can take these beautiful pictures.

My goal is to start exploring more, though... When we are not all clutched so tightly in the grasp of a pandemic. If there is one thing that has come of all this COVID-19 stuff, it's this...

There is a lot to my state that I've never seen or experienced because I've been afraid to drive in traffic or wander too far by myself.

It's time for me to start wandering.

It's all fun and games until the cheese hits the fan.
Posted:Aug 8, 2020 7:24 am
Last Updated:Aug 11, 2020 1:08 am


I was not in the mood cook last night when the Spawn and I got back from the lake.

So, nachos it was!

Opening the jar of queso dip, I popped it into the microwave to heat up for a minute while i put together a plate of chips and pulled out the salsa, sour cream, and shredded cheese.

With my back turned to the microwave, I started dishing up the condiments and placing them on the counter when I heard an explosion from the microwave.

"Oh Shit! What was that??"

Spinning around, the microwave was still going but cheese was spilling over the side of the jar that was now half empty.

"Oh My Fucking God!!"

"Language Mom!"

The Spawn was instantly at the counter to surveil my calamity. She didn't even bother to hide her half smile or judgy eyes.

Little shit.

Popping open the microwave, I peered in to find a giant glop of cheese was now dropping down from the top of the microwave and nearly covering all the little air holes on the side.

How on earth does this happen?

Lid was off. Microwave directions followed to a T. I've literally done this A MILLION TIMES in the past....

What a fucking mess.

Needless to say, nachos had now lost their appeal......

Peanutbutter sandwiches it was!
Snore Score - 54
Posted:Aug 7, 2020 4:04 am
Last Updated:Aug 9, 2020 6:45 pm

Want really discover yourself?

Think you can accept the challenge??

Delve into your sleep issues and download a sleep app.... You'll never be the same again.

Now that I'm going to the gym again I've decided to start wearing my Fitbit as well. With everyone being on house arrest and our abilities to get out and get moving being limited, the Fitbit app has added a lot of new stuff for users to look into and join to keep us active.

It's been interesting....

It was an article on the Fitbit app that led me to the sleep app, made me want to start analyzing my sleep issues.

Not going to lie, feeling a little disturbed by the results.

Last night ended being the most eye opening, by far. As you know, I did not get much sleep the night before, so I was exhausted when my head the pillow.

I'm surprised I wasn't comatose.

I managed to sleep night, until 4:30 anyway, and checked the sleep app when I got .

I had shield my eyes from the horror of it .....

The app has a breakdown of noise levels and scores and openly states that most uses start with a score of 25.

So.... When I looked and seen my score of 54 I knew something was wrong. This app is terrible!

And immediately looked at the charted results.

Epic snoring?


I scored in the epic range???

Still not believing it, I did the back....

Yep, that's right folks! It even has a playback function for those of us who are in disbelief.

And THAT'S when I heard myself snore.

While I really wouldn't call it 'epic' (I've heard way worse), it was really disturbing be able hear myself while I sleep.

And, yes, snore.

Good God... I may never be the same again.

Happy Friday folks!
Out of the mouths of others...
Posted:Aug 6, 2020 5:47 pm
Last Updated:Aug 8, 2020 7:05 am

Downstairs Neighbor - Somebody stole my fucking lighter out of my truck! I can't fucking believe it! I need to start locking that thing up! That lighter was $1.49! What is going on??? (talk-yelling to mother on phone)

Spawn - Do you mind? The only thing I've heard for the last 5 minutes is you crunching. Eat your ice elsewhere.... (dirty looks shot my way)

Random Gym Guy - Oh yah.... that's it.... you got this.... you're a bad ass.... (watching own reflection in mirror)

Work BFF - I hope you know I was only joking in the 2 o'clock meeting. You know I wasn't serious.... I really appreciate everything you do. (that's a funny way of showing it)

Middle - Mom! Do you want to wear my headphones? You can wear them on the treadmill. (some days, the only person on earth who loves me. And he's leaving.)

Me - I think I give up. (exasperated)

The 60 Year Old Cindy Lou Who at Work - Don't look so sad, Hunny Bunny. I hate it when you look so sad. (I was leaving work. She and her sister are quite literally the sweetest people on earth.)

Pete and Repeat - I'm locked out. The damn computer won't take my password again. (third time this week)

IT Support Guy - Didn't I talk to you on Wednesday? Are you a Gemini by any chance? (No, and no)

Old Lady on the Kitchen Floor in the TV commercial - I've fallen... And I can't get up. (that one just made me laugh)

Happy Thursday!
It's 3 a.m.....
Posted:Aug 6, 2020 12:11 am
Last Updated:Aug 8, 2020 7:07 am

Of course I'm waking a cat fight outside my bedroom window.

A literal.... Cat fight.

Want talk scary, here?

How about having it incorporate itself into your dream!

So, here I sit now, heart beating fast, shaking just a hair, with that bad dream cycling through my mind still.


I may never sleep again.

It's moments like this when I miss the comfort of living with someone else. Moments when you can wake , in the middle of the night, and just snuggle close someone when your feeling scared or insecure.
Posted:Aug 4, 2020 4:57 pm
Last Updated:Aug 12, 2020 3:32 pm

Today was a bit of a shit-show... Thank God that nightmare is over.

At the gym tonight I watched as Heavily Tattooed Gym Lady sprayed herself in the face with the antiseptic cleaner.

It was completely by accident, don't ask me how, but I couldn't stop myself from chuckling.

How on earth does one 'accidentally' spray a giant spray bottle of cleaner into their OWN face??

Really makes you wonder, sometimes, just how some people make it through life....

Then again, who am I to judge... I found a pistachio in my bra when I changed to go to the gym tonight.
Another mask related eye injury.
Posted:Jul 31, 2020 4:05 pm
Last Updated:Aug 4, 2020 6:00 pm

What do you do when the thing designed save your life from COVID-19 nearly takes out an eye?

I was in my office, pretending not be irritated as hell with the pokey thing inside my face mask, when Office Max walked past my office.

Unbeknownst me, the stretchy ear piece was slowly separating from the mask, ready rip apart at any moment.

"Are you winking at me?" Jokingly, Office Max started winking back at me.

"No.... There's something in the corner of my mask, scratching me...." Pulling the mask away from my cheek slightly, I was hoping alleviate some of the discomfort and somehow smooth down the rough spot.

So... yah. That isn't exactly what happened.

Imagine my surprise when the ear loop ripped off entirely and snapped me in the eye.

"Oh My God! I think I'm blind!"

My eye watered instantly, tiny white dots were floating everywhere before my eyes. I blinked my eye hoping make it better...

It got worse!

Suddenly I was unable even OPEN my eye now.

"Holy shit, I may have detached a retina."

I even made myself laugh at that statement... It took several long moments and a lot of smeared eye makeup before I was able to regain eye normalcy.

I can honestly say, I will never be able to look at those masks the same way again.
Half Undone
Posted:Jul 31, 2020 2:38 am
Last Updated:Aug 2, 2020 10:18 pm

True story...

Last week was a rough one for me, Friday particularly...

So, I popped open a Mike's Margarita while I was cooking dinner, the Spawn was sitting at the counter.

And then I popped open a second.....

My mood was already elevated and I was feeling that light feeling I start to feel when I'm catching a buzz. I was done making dinner and I decided to have the Spawn paint my toe nails.

Pulling out the bag of goodies, she went to work taking off the polish while I started on a third margarita and closed my eyes for a moment.

"Mom! You're sleeping!"


Yah, what felt like closing my eyes for a moment was actually me sleeping long enough for her to fully paint all the nails on my right foot.

"I've got to go to bed. I can't keep my eyes open."

"You can't! Your nails are wet!"

Too late... I was already crawling into bed and asleep before my head hit the pillow. It's a miracle, but I somehow managed to NOT get polish anywhere in my bed.

Fast forward to this morning as I sit here laughing to myself.

I glanced down at my feet just now and realized, I still only have one foot with painted toe nails.

A visual aid for the state of my life right now.


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