Hand Blown Away
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Posted:Sep 10, 2019 4:57 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 9:21 am
1343 Views
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The gentleman's club down the way has a claw machine, one of those games where you struggle, fruitlessly more often than not, to pick up some item of value and maneuever it into the chute without dropping it. My favorite dancer is apparently somewhat adept at this game, having previously acquired a life-size blow-up doll. I suggested she bring him over to the pool and use him as a floatie.
On this most recent occasion, she had her heart seat on a glass "massager" called the Icicle.
"It's hand-blown!" she enthused.
"Hand Blown?" I replied. "How is that even possible?"
Against my better judgment, I agreed to let her have the grand sum of one entire dollar for two tries, and on the second try she dropped it into the chute, accompanied by much joyous squealing.
"I don't think I've ever made a woman this happy or excited," I said.
"What did you get?" our cocktail waitress asked as she walked up.
"This massager!" she exclaimed.
"That's a vibrator," our waitress said.
"It's a massager," I insisted. "She has a kink in her neck. Probably other places, too."
"You know what that retails for?" another dancer told her. "About 75 bucks."
"I do love a bargain," I admitted.
"Thank you so much!" my favorite dancer told me.
"Well," I replied, "whenever you use it, think of me."
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Trick...or Treat?
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Posted:Sep 8, 2019 12:00 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 9:21 am
1247 Views
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I bought a corset at the thrift store.
"It's for Halloween," I explained to the cashier. "IT'S A PRESENT! For Halloween. For somebody else."
She shrugged it off.
"I thought you just needed to tighten your waist."
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Pets
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Posted:Sep 8, 2019 7:28 am
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2019 3:01 pm
1161 Views
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I had a puppy once, a while.
Or, more properly, of my crazy flatmates brought home a puppy, which meant of course I was responsible all of her care and upkeep. The puppy, I mean. (Well...)
Eventually, after the restraining order, her old came pick up the puppy, whimpered and reached me as he was lifting her away. This is how I learned:
Even though they shit on your carpet, you do tend get attached them after a while.
This is a metaphor all my relationships with females, I suspect.
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These Days
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Posted:Sep 6, 2019 10:09 pm
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2019 5:10 am
1226 Views
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She always wants to plug her phone into the auxiliary jack and control the music in my car.
Relationships are hell.
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These Days
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Posted:Sep 6, 2019 6:32 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 9:21 am
1212 Views
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She always wants plug her phone into the auxiliary jack and control the music in my car.
Relationships are hell.
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The Eternal Dilemma
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Posted:Sep 6, 2019 5:42 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 9:21 am
1201 Views
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I'm terrified of losing her, but not half as terrified as she should be of losing me.
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The Eternal Dilemma
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Posted:Sep 6, 2019 4:30 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 9:21 am
1189 Views
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I'm terrified of losing her, but not half as terrified as she should be of losing me.
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I'd Hammer in the Mornin', I'd Hammer in the Evenin'
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Posted:Sep 5, 2019 6:17 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 9:21 am
1235 Views
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I ran of nails before I was finished hanging up pictures today. By chance I got a from a lady friend who wanted a ride to Old Time Pottery, where I was able to get a package of nails and hooks for $1.29. My lady friend asked the clerk if they had any black lights.
"Black lights?" another customer in line asked. "Are you having a party?"
"Well, there'll be some nailin' going on, I can tell you that."
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Rollin'
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Posted:Sep 5, 2019 9:50 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 9:21 am
1182 Views
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"Why do you have a wheelchair?"
"I thought you might like to move around without putting any weight on your ankle."
"I'm not sitting in that thing. Anyway, my ankle's feeling better today."
"Well, I also like to make a dramatic entrance."
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Friends with Benny and the Jets
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Posted:Sep 5, 2019 12:36 am
Last Updated:Sep 5, 2019 3:34 am
1180 Views
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Wow, that friends with benefits thing actually panned out. Knock me over with a feather.
The more important thing is that spending time together just seems to make both of us...happy. Maybe that's not good enough reason to overlook some troubling aspects but it may be enough of a one to try and make things work by imposing some ground rules, perhaps.
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Love in the Age of Autocorrect
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Posted:Sep 4, 2019 4:57 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 9:21 am
1289 Views
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A lady friend has just texted me what I am sure is just the latest in a series of salacious propositions that won't pan out, although I am curious just what "gallery his head" meant before autocorrect made her message even stranger.
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Another Time
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Posted:Sep 4, 2019 4:52 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 9:21 am
1146 Views
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My favorite cocktail waitress in the universe has said next Thursday will be better than this Thursday, as she does every week.
But she did like my hat.
"It suits you," she said.
"I found it in the trunk of my dad's car," I said. "I'm usurping your place, old man!"
"An old man's hat," she said. "It really does suit you, then."
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The Professor Has Left the Building
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Posted:Sep 3, 2019 11:09 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 9:21 am
1250 Views
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It's probably getting to be time to remind my latest lady friend that when a relationship is premised on an initial promise of satisfaction, a little intimacy had better be introduced into the equation pretty soon or the whole thing is going to start getting a little stale for at least one of us.
Meanwhile, my latest Mostly-Platonic Traveling Companion is promising a night of wild abandon if I take her to Biloxi for an overnighter. I was initially thinking of the same night we have Amy Grant tickets but that would seem almost sacreligious. I'm thinking more of the night we have tickets for the Elvis impersonator, since she said she was already going to have to get pretty blotto to make it through that show.
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